Surly
So I'm a bit of a curmudgeon. And cranky. And I really don't like most people for the most part. I'm fine with that. Really I am; I'm long past the point of giving a shit what people think about me.
Until I realize that I like them. I find it really hard to not give a shit for people who I respect. I've found this a couple times in acting class. When I start the class, it's great. I don't know anyone, and I don't care what they think, so I let it all hang out... go for broke, what have you.
It's the same with everyone really... I don't care what they think for the most part, which really throws people off.
So anyhow, the reason this comes up, is I was talking recently to an aquaintance of mine. She mentioned that before we'd met, she'd asked some people we knew in common about me. Almost universally, they all commented on my dry wit, sarcasm, and occasional snarly/snarky behaviour.
"Everyone treats you like your this really mean guy who's 20 seconds away from losing his temper all the time."
Which came as something of a surprise to me. I can't honestly remember the last time I lost my temper. And while things do irritate me, there's not much that honestly gets me angry. It's pretty hard to get angry when you don't give a shit what most people think. Why get angry with someone who's opinion really has no impact on your life?
This actually leads me to a bigger question... if I can't remember the last time I got angry, am I still capable of getting angry?
My girl occasionally gets irritated with me because I have a bad habit of equivocating. She'll ask me if I like a particular movie, book, food, etc... and my reflexive response is "It's not bad."
And the more I think about this, the more I get a panicky feeling in my throat. What if I'm incapable of feeling strongly about anything? What if I can't be happy, or angry? What if I have to settle for content and irritated for the rest of my life?
Have I worked so hard at insulating myself from being hurt that I've managed to cut myself off from feeling anything wonderful as well?
And if I have, how do I undo it?
Wow - am I self absorbed or what? Note to self - after sorting out emotional balance, make bid on ebay for perspective.
Until I realize that I like them. I find it really hard to not give a shit for people who I respect. I've found this a couple times in acting class. When I start the class, it's great. I don't know anyone, and I don't care what they think, so I let it all hang out... go for broke, what have you.
It's the same with everyone really... I don't care what they think for the most part, which really throws people off.
So anyhow, the reason this comes up, is I was talking recently to an aquaintance of mine. She mentioned that before we'd met, she'd asked some people we knew in common about me. Almost universally, they all commented on my dry wit, sarcasm, and occasional snarly/snarky behaviour.
"Everyone treats you like your this really mean guy who's 20 seconds away from losing his temper all the time."
Which came as something of a surprise to me. I can't honestly remember the last time I lost my temper. And while things do irritate me, there's not much that honestly gets me angry. It's pretty hard to get angry when you don't give a shit what most people think. Why get angry with someone who's opinion really has no impact on your life?
This actually leads me to a bigger question... if I can't remember the last time I got angry, am I still capable of getting angry?
My girl occasionally gets irritated with me because I have a bad habit of equivocating. She'll ask me if I like a particular movie, book, food, etc... and my reflexive response is "It's not bad."
And the more I think about this, the more I get a panicky feeling in my throat. What if I'm incapable of feeling strongly about anything? What if I can't be happy, or angry? What if I have to settle for content and irritated for the rest of my life?
Have I worked so hard at insulating myself from being hurt that I've managed to cut myself off from feeling anything wonderful as well?
And if I have, how do I undo it?
Wow - am I self absorbed or what? Note to self - after sorting out emotional balance, make bid on ebay for perspective.
posted by Surly Canuck at 1:06 p.m.
6 Comments:
I was having some "Pro-Apathy" t-shirts made for myself. Should I put you down for a box? One in every color?
Sign me up Harley. I'm sure I might think a couple of them are okay. ;)
Thanks Tina! I'm pretty tough to scare, but you're more than welcome to try. =)
I'm definitely in touch with my lack of feelings. =) Welcome Christie!
I don't think I'm in touch with my feelings... although I am holding a stuffed animal and crying right now.
Stuffed as in cotton batting not stuffed as in taxidermist, right?
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