Acting
I have a line in my upcoming scene study class where I must comment and leer at the endowments of my scene partner.
I'm fine with that. The character is a sleaze after all.
It'd be helpful if I could stop blushing each time I did it. Sleaze's don't tend to blush.
Sheesh, what is up with me recently? Crisis of confidence, personal and family crises. Crises of conscience, character and cat.
I sometimes wonder if the bravado and swagger I used to (or feel I used to) portray was as much an act as anything else.
When I was a child, I thought as a man, reasoned as a man, and used a man's language. Now that I am a man, I have reverted to childish things.
I guess I'm too old to know everything any more. Time to start acting again like I do.
My oh my, but I'm becoming a sulky, whiny bitch.
I guess it stands to reason though, that I may not be how I remember myself being. Memory is a fickle thing, and mine I find especially selective. I've blocked out entire months of early adulthood; entire relationships; selective parts of other relationships.
How brittle we are, and how brittle our lives can be. Minute changes reverberate, and destroy what we accepted as unassailable.
Acting indeed. Now the fool.
I'm fine with that. The character is a sleaze after all.
It'd be helpful if I could stop blushing each time I did it. Sleaze's don't tend to blush.
Sheesh, what is up with me recently? Crisis of confidence, personal and family crises. Crises of conscience, character and cat.
I sometimes wonder if the bravado and swagger I used to (or feel I used to) portray was as much an act as anything else.
When I was a child, I thought as a man, reasoned as a man, and used a man's language. Now that I am a man, I have reverted to childish things.
I guess I'm too old to know everything any more. Time to start acting again like I do.
My oh my, but I'm becoming a sulky, whiny bitch.
I guess it stands to reason though, that I may not be how I remember myself being. Memory is a fickle thing, and mine I find especially selective. I've blocked out entire months of early adulthood; entire relationships; selective parts of other relationships.
How brittle we are, and how brittle our lives can be. Minute changes reverberate, and destroy what we accepted as unassailable.
Acting indeed. Now the fool.
posted by Surly Canuck at 1:30 p.m.
11 Comments:
No, your memories are correct. Perhaps it is love that has changed you? Personally, I don't buy that. I think the changes were in motion before that (perhaps allowing you to love?).
i think we all change around this age. sometimes it scares the crap out of me how differently i think compared to before. but i believe that everything we have done, everything we are, brings us to this point in our lives. that's karma for beginners, i guess.
if you're feeling more emotionally mature, it's because you've gotten to a point in your life where (heaven forbid) you may actually be happy. and how do you feed the snarkiness when you're actually happy with what you have in your life?
This is really the first time in life that we are old enough and wise enough to reflect on the past. Up until now it has always been about the future, now suddenly I think we're all starting to look back and evaluate what's happened with some wisdom that we've collected the past 30 years.
I too have the selective memory issue. I am missing huge chunks of things that I know I should remember but don't... which ends up making me feel like a huge heel sometimes if the memory relates to someone else. No doubt I have been thought insensitive by some but it's never intentional, the memories just aren't there. Memory is strange.
Mare has a good point. It's harder to sneer at your life when it's going in the direction you want it to. You're very happy with Gal, you're finally making changes in other parts of your life... there's not so much to complain about.
It's not that I'm happy... I'm not unhappy mind you; things with Gal are good. We fight, we make up, we learn; the latter two are new to me in relationships.
My job is pointless, unchallenging to the point that I get sloppy and start dropping the ball on simple stupid things. This frustrates me.
I feel listless a lot of the time, plus bored. For me this is a dangerous combination, as it typically precedes me doing "Something Stupid;&trade"
I guess I'm ready to start living my life, and to stop being an observer. I'm having trouble turning the listlessness into directed energy.
I don't think I've acheived any sort of emotional maturity; I'm just not a consistently self-centered shit any more. =)
i think that realizing you're not the centre of the universe is the first step towards emotional maturity. gal has helped you a lot in that respect.
and you're happy, in a lot of ways. so you don't like your job... you're doing some acting, you're getting started. the ball is starting to roll.
I'd say not being a consistently self-centered shit is a prety big indicator of increased emotional maturity. :)
Aargh! Get out of my head, Mare!
that was freaky. usually it's scott who's in my brain (which is scary enough in and of itself).
I guess I must be growing emotionally... I mean admitting I have emotions is a big start. =)
Guess my rep as a cold hearted snake (ooh-ah-ah!) is ruined.
Your psyche is just re-tooling. I recently went through the same thing, and now I'm a bigger tool than ever.
Ride it out, man. :)
and quit being such a whiny bitch... that's my job and i take pride in it, so back off!
vag, it's okay to be immature and mature at the same time. it'll work out in the end. *hug*
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