World’s Worst Kept Secret (or I’m going to have a heart attack and die from not surprise)
I suffer from depression.
There, it’s out there. After years of trying to fool myself, but always knowing the truth, I figured it was time to admit as much.
Those closest to me have likely always known; certainly anyone who knew me in university could easily tell.
The funny thing about depression (rim shot), is that the more time I have to think about it, the worse it gets. These past couple of months have been the worst in a long while; being out of work has given me more time to focus on myself and my life than is probably healthy.
The kicker is I’ve had all this time on my hands, and haven’t done anything overly productive with it. I’ve kicked around a couple of writing projects, half-heartedly looked at getting an agent, and spent an inordinate amount of time perusing job boards for positions I’m certain I’m going to hate.
I’ve had a couple of good interviews, and one that I’m really excited about but I’m almost under qualified for the position. It’s scary because it’s a big deal… a real grown up job, with real responsibility, and so close to the edge of my comfort zone in all areas that a wrong glance would send it over the precipice.
But as a grown up job, I’d have to give up the non-pursuit of acting as a career. There just wouldn’t be time to do justice to the job otherwise. And to be honest, my half hearted and assed pursuit of acting since I got here has been pretty sad. I know I love it; I just can’t work up the energy to pursue it.
Lack of energy results in lack of action, which only cycles me further downward. I don’t believe in taking drugs; an even me isn’t me. But I feel like I’m being backed into a corner.
Thank god for Gal, who’s been great at keeping me sane, despite the stress of being the only income earner in a city that’s not conducive to it.
Admission is the first step. Incredibly, I feel much better just having written this. I don’t have any more answers, but at least I know they’re out there.
This will likely be the last entry in this blog. I’m planning on starting a new one once I have something worthwhile to say again.
TTFN
There, it’s out there. After years of trying to fool myself, but always knowing the truth, I figured it was time to admit as much.
Those closest to me have likely always known; certainly anyone who knew me in university could easily tell.
The funny thing about depression (rim shot), is that the more time I have to think about it, the worse it gets. These past couple of months have been the worst in a long while; being out of work has given me more time to focus on myself and my life than is probably healthy.
The kicker is I’ve had all this time on my hands, and haven’t done anything overly productive with it. I’ve kicked around a couple of writing projects, half-heartedly looked at getting an agent, and spent an inordinate amount of time perusing job boards for positions I’m certain I’m going to hate.
I’ve had a couple of good interviews, and one that I’m really excited about but I’m almost under qualified for the position. It’s scary because it’s a big deal… a real grown up job, with real responsibility, and so close to the edge of my comfort zone in all areas that a wrong glance would send it over the precipice.
But as a grown up job, I’d have to give up the non-pursuit of acting as a career. There just wouldn’t be time to do justice to the job otherwise. And to be honest, my half hearted and assed pursuit of acting since I got here has been pretty sad. I know I love it; I just can’t work up the energy to pursue it.
Lack of energy results in lack of action, which only cycles me further downward. I don’t believe in taking drugs; an even me isn’t me. But I feel like I’m being backed into a corner.
Thank god for Gal, who’s been great at keeping me sane, despite the stress of being the only income earner in a city that’s not conducive to it.
Admission is the first step. Incredibly, I feel much better just having written this. I don’t have any more answers, but at least I know they’re out there.
This will likely be the last entry in this blog. I’m planning on starting a new one once I have something worthwhile to say again.
TTFN
posted by Surly Canuck at 11:28 a.m.
4 Comments:
Before you offed this blog forever, I wanted to ackowledge your strength to come out about your depression. It's not an easy thing to do.
Vag, anything that I have to say would only serve to diminish this amazing post. I do want to give you kudos for having the kahunas to come out and admit it, not only to yourself, but to everyone. I'm sure it was scary, but congrats in taking that step.
You are blessed to have such a support in Gal, and blessed that you realize it and love and appreciate her for it. I hope that no matter what turn your path takes next that it's one that leads you to more health and happiness than currently, or before.
Welcome to the club. I've been through a very similar experience. You're doing the right thing too. Not denying or hiding from it. Believe me, it's uphill from here my friend.
Make sure you let us know where you go.
I've been pondering how I wanted to respond to this post, and I'm still a little unsure, but I figured it was about time I just said something.
I'm incredibly impressed with your admission (declaration? announcement?) and as someone who went through a simliar type of experience with ADD about ten years ago, I know it can be awkward and weird to talk about personal difficulties, even with friends.
But I really found it comforting to have people's support, and to not have to worry about feeling ashamed or uncomfortable about being stupid, made coping with it and adjusting my life so much easier than I'm sure it would have been had I kept it quiet.
I can only hope that this step will signal the beginning of a new, more positive phase for your life. You know the NB gang is all behind you.
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