An Open Letter to People I've seen this morning
Dear Neighbours,
Please get a clue. I'm running late as I've overslept, and I'd really like to get to work in a semblance of on time. Standing in front of the elevator without pressing the button will not make it show up.
Dear Bus drivers,
I'm not sure how you manage to get all bunched up. It makes me angry to see three buses all running the same route within a daschund's length of each other. Of course, I missed all three of you and had to wait twelve minutes for the next bus to show. Service every 5 minutes should not be based on an average over the course of the entire day.
Dear People waiting on the subway platform,
No matter how hard you try, you can't fit onto the subway if you don't get out of the way to let people off. They want off the train, you want on. You have to let them fulfill their want before you can fulfill yours. It's not that tough, really.
Dear People on the subway,
I love you all dearly; please take your elbows out of my kidneys.
Dear Generation-Next headed to school,
I'm sure that you are all cool, and very hip. However, I don't need to hear OMIGOD, Britney was so wasted, and Seth, was, like, trashed, and then Sarah said to Mila that she reeeeeaaaallly likes Brendan. I'm sure that Britney and Seth will learn to hold their liquor, and that Sarah and Brendan will eventually hook up. Of course, all will still be right with the world if none of the above happens.
Dear Mid-life-crisis-guy,
I can appreciate you're having a tough time, what with losing your hair, and being unable to use your mullet as a comb over. Your beloved Leafs jacket is pointless this season (much like hockey). And I'm glad you like your new Ipod. But really, no one wants to hear the Worst of Wham! at half past eight on a Friday.
Dear Homey-Dude,
Shut up. You're an upper middle class white kid going to an exclusive Catholic Prep School. You've got nothing to be rebelling against. You're not from Compton, Harlem, or a Beach. Pull up your pants.
Dear People waiting on the Subway platform,
No matter how hard you try, you can't fit onto the subway if you don't get out of the way to let people off. They want off the train, you want on. You have to let them fulfill their want before you can fulfill yours. C'mon, all together now!
Dear Slow Walker,
If you can't keep a pace of one step every five seconds, stay home until rush hour is over. Alternatively, don't throw dirty glances my way when I walk past you. I can see you scowling in the glass.
Dear Lady with the Baby carrier,
I realize fashion is important. I'm just not buying the idea that the ultimate accessory for your knee high stilletto boots, fishnet stockings, denim belt... er mini skirt, and faux fur coat is an infant. Plus, it's Toronto in February. Put on some damn clothes... you're making me cold just looking at you.
Oh, and Courteny Love called. She wants her outfit back.
Dear Other Slow Walker,
For Chrissake!
Dear Bagel Shop Workers,
I love you guys. You always know what I want, have me in and out in three minutes regardless of how busy it is, and are pleasant and cheerful the entire time. You guys make my morning.
Dear Co-workers,
You've been here a half hour already. Is it too much to ask to have someone make coffee? You all drink it, but it seems like no one wants any until it's made by yours truly. I'm not even full time, I don't get sick time or vacation time. I should get a little something for making coffee every damn morning.
Yours Truly,
Vagabond
Please get a clue. I'm running late as I've overslept, and I'd really like to get to work in a semblance of on time. Standing in front of the elevator without pressing the button will not make it show up.
Dear Bus drivers,
I'm not sure how you manage to get all bunched up. It makes me angry to see three buses all running the same route within a daschund's length of each other. Of course, I missed all three of you and had to wait twelve minutes for the next bus to show. Service every 5 minutes should not be based on an average over the course of the entire day.
Dear People waiting on the subway platform,
No matter how hard you try, you can't fit onto the subway if you don't get out of the way to let people off. They want off the train, you want on. You have to let them fulfill their want before you can fulfill yours. It's not that tough, really.
Dear People on the subway,
I love you all dearly; please take your elbows out of my kidneys.
Dear Generation-Next headed to school,
I'm sure that you are all cool, and very hip. However, I don't need to hear OMIGOD, Britney was so wasted, and Seth, was, like, trashed, and then Sarah said to Mila that she reeeeeaaaallly likes Brendan. I'm sure that Britney and Seth will learn to hold their liquor, and that Sarah and Brendan will eventually hook up. Of course, all will still be right with the world if none of the above happens.
Dear Mid-life-crisis-guy,
I can appreciate you're having a tough time, what with losing your hair, and being unable to use your mullet as a comb over. Your beloved Leafs jacket is pointless this season (much like hockey). And I'm glad you like your new Ipod. But really, no one wants to hear the Worst of Wham! at half past eight on a Friday.
Dear Homey-Dude,
Shut up. You're an upper middle class white kid going to an exclusive Catholic Prep School. You've got nothing to be rebelling against. You're not from Compton, Harlem, or a Beach. Pull up your pants.
Dear People waiting on the Subway platform,
No matter how hard you try, you can't fit onto the subway if you don't get out of the way to let people off. They want off the train, you want on. You have to let them fulfill their want before you can fulfill yours. C'mon, all together now!
Dear Slow Walker,
If you can't keep a pace of one step every five seconds, stay home until rush hour is over. Alternatively, don't throw dirty glances my way when I walk past you. I can see you scowling in the glass.
Dear Lady with the Baby carrier,
I realize fashion is important. I'm just not buying the idea that the ultimate accessory for your knee high stilletto boots, fishnet stockings, denim belt... er mini skirt, and faux fur coat is an infant. Plus, it's Toronto in February. Put on some damn clothes... you're making me cold just looking at you.
Oh, and Courteny Love called. She wants her outfit back.
Dear Other Slow Walker,
For Chrissake!
Dear Bagel Shop Workers,
I love you guys. You always know what I want, have me in and out in three minutes regardless of how busy it is, and are pleasant and cheerful the entire time. You guys make my morning.
Dear Co-workers,
You've been here a half hour already. Is it too much to ask to have someone make coffee? You all drink it, but it seems like no one wants any until it's made by yours truly. I'm not even full time, I don't get sick time or vacation time. I should get a little something for making coffee every damn morning.
Yours Truly,
Vagabond
posted by Surly Canuck at 11:32 a.m.
8 Comments:
[puts away wham cd I was going to listen to this weekend]
People in general are just annoying some days, aren't they?
(Well, most days, I guess...)
friggin subway people... oh and the people who don't follow the unspoken rule of "if you're gonna stand on the eslcalator, stand on the right, so the rest of us can walk up on the left"...
Sounds like somebody has got a case of the Mondays! Wait... what day is it?
Sorry Liz. =)
Jamie - Most days definitely
Wendykat - Don't even get me started on them.
ACW - Enh... doesn't matter. Was out sick two days this week, so my clock is all screwed up. =)
What is it with bagel workers? They're always wonderful. I reckon they're all bred in the same place, and then just deployed out to different locations.
You have quite a correspondence list going there. You should write these into greeting cards and actually hand them out with a smile.
John4Films - Hey and welcome! Cold is better, I've given it to a couple other people now, so I'm in the clear.
Deanne - I'm starting to think that's the case. These guys rock! When (and if) I win the lotto, they are all getting colossal tips.
Harley - I've considered it. Of course, I've also considered random outbursts of nonsenes (Purple Monkey Dishwasher!), so we'll see if I actually do those.
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