More random Internet theft...

Appetizer
Which keys do you have on your key chain?

Car key, my house key, parent's house key, handcuff key.


Soup
What is the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?

Um... moving to T.O.? Or the 5 day trip to T.O. with gal after we'd only been dating 6 weeks?


Salad
Who is the best cook in your family?

I'd say me. Mom cooks okay, and Dad can be inspired, but he gets all frou-frou with ingredients, which results in conflicting tastes. I on the other hand, cook a damn fine chilli, turkey, pasta of numerous types... of course, I don't follow recipes, so I never make the same thing twice.


Main Course
If you were to write a "how-to" book, what would the title be?

How to remember the little people - Shoe tread Choosing for the Ego-maniac


Dessert
Name a recent fad you've tried.

Cannibalism.

And I say woot, woot!

Not really.

In any case, I've got an audition coming up for a role in a low-budget feature as a white supremacist with a penchant for potty-mouthery. Seeing as my last role was a walk on as Jesus, it'll be a bit of a change.

Fingers crossed!

I can't believe it

I just blogged about a reality tv show.

I feel slightly dirty.

Is This Reality?

Kelly: You have a hard time making commitments.
Ron: What do mean? I made a commitment to the military.
Kelly: Yeah, but you got out of that.
Ron: How'd I "get out of that?"
Kelly: You were a POW.

I don't watch much reality TV. Any really, I guess. But I like this show, though I'm not sure why.

But the above exchange just made me boggle. I'm not an advocate of violence (not an opponent either), but I honestly cannot believe the guy didn't punch her right in the mouth. I'm pretty sure that I would have. Of course, Gal's response was much less kind towards her than mine. I love that about her. =)

I'm pretty sure that the above has to qualify as one of the top 3 Dumbest Exchanges I've Ever Heard. Yay ignorance!

And thusly... here is the Top 3 List! In no particular order:

1. the Above.

2.
Employee: I don't understand why I'm late for work! I leave at the same time every day!
Me: Why not leave 10 minutes earlier?
Employee: Wow, that might work!

3.
Cop: I'm going to have to give you a ticket for your registration being expired, and another one 'cause it's not signed.
Me: Um... what?
Cop: Two tickets.
Me: One because my registration is invalid.
Cop: Yes.
Me: And the other, because my invalid registration isn't signed?
Cop: Yes.
Me: Just checking.

Green Eyed Monster and 'Fraidy Cat

I don't really believe in jealousy. I'm not saying I don't believe it exists; I've seen it first hand. I just do my damndest not to feel it myself.

That being said, I'm a little envious of my sister. She decided that she wanted to get into acting last year, after her career as a hairdresser was kiboshed due to whiplash from a car accident.

So she signed up for some classes, got an agent, and started working hard at it. I guess that's the big difference between my sister and I. She works hard at everything she does, regardless of whether it's something she's interested in, regardless of how many other things she has on her plate, regardless of how things are going in other areas of her life.

She called me last night to say that she was pretty sure she was going to get cast in a low-budget, non-union feature. It sounds like a pretty B, direct to video type project. But it's acting work. On a set, paid.

And as happy as I am for her, I'm just a little angry with myself. Acting is supposedly my dream, yet I've done squat in the past 4 months to make this dream happen. Granted, I'm starting an advanced class tonight...

But I've had a draft message for a couple of different agencies for almost 3 months. And I haven't sent it. First the excuse was the move. Well, that's out of the way. Now I have no cell phone, so I'm loathe to send the letters out, without an easy way to get a hold of me. Right. Excuses all.

In reality, it's because I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll be told that I have no hope of fabricating a career as an actor. Afraid that if I do become even mildly successful, I'll discover that it's not what I want to do with my life. I'll grow to resent it, then hate it. Afraid if I don't pursue it, I'll what if myself for the rest of my life.

It's safer to fantasize about how great achieving your dreams will be, than to actually put yourself out and go for it.

No more. The timid little kid I was is gone. No more excuses. No more envy. If she got what she wanted, there's no reason I can't.

Good on you kid. Congratulations on the possible role, and thanks for giving your big brother an unintentional kick in the ass.

Another quip to keep in my head

This one almost slipped out today...

"Don't shit on a plate and tell me it's meatloaf."

I really don't know where these come from, but someday, I'm writing a book.

Just so we're clear

Let me see if I understand this...

In order to own a home or a car in Canada, I need to have insurance.

I pay a set amount every month to the insurance company, for said insurance, ostensibly to cover expenses should something 'bad' happen.

Yet, I make a claim for any amount, regardless of whether or not I am at fault, and my insurance company either jacks my rates sky high, or refuses to provide me with coverage any longer.

On top of this, insurance companies post record profits every year.

So basically, I'm paying a sum of money every month for the privilege of... what? Hassle? Aggravation?

If my car were to be totalled in an accident, I couldn't afford to replace it without filing a claim. Yet, if I file a claim to replace the car, I can either no longer afford to insure the new car, or cannot get insurance at all. The end result is I can't drive in either case.

Hmmmm... how does one go about forming their own insurance company? I need to get in on this scam.

New Career 2

Jeopardy Host

Pros:
Opportunity to kick Ken Jennings in the teeth
Steady work, only 2 days a week
Opportunity to learn mostly useless information
Comped suits
Decent pay
No actual knowledge required

Cons:
Likely to be a pre-school tournament soon
Random asses on the street expecting you to be smart
Ken Jennings
Probably don't get a cut of each players winnings
Inane chit chat after the first commercial break
Occasionally terrible category names

Study in Contrasts

I'm a late luncher. It's something I learned from working twelve hour shifts. The further back in your day that you can push lunch, the shorter the rest of the day will seem. I usually go for lunch sometime after two, grab a sandwich and/or go for a walk. What this has to do with the story below, I have no idea. Segue's are not always my strength.

Today, I had the opportunity to be walking behind a lovely young lady. I work in/near the fashion district, so it's not uncommon to see models wandering about the area. This one was exceptionally attractive, in a perfectly natural way. Not a hint of fake-plasticness about her in the slightest. Just an incredibly beautiful natural woman.

Now, if I weren't happily living with Gal, well... actually, I wouldn't have done anything. Let's not kid ourselves here; while I'm not above making an ass of myself, this young lady was so beautiful it was intimidating. Which for me is a big thing; I pride myself on being un-intimidate-able.*

The ubiquitous cell phone rings and she answers as we're waiting for the light to change. And what to my shocked and soon to be bleeding ears happens? She launches a most vile spew of invectives, cursing to make a bike messenger** from a Tarrantino film*** cover his ears.

I was taken aback! Shocked! Appalled! How could this beautiful creature use such language as to bring a tear (not of joy) to my eye?

I can swear, curse and so on with the best of them, given proper prodding... but I've never said some of the words she said in public! Her language made everyone waiting for the light to change uncomfortable, of that I'm sure.

The c word, the q word, the ever popular effer... it was all there and more. I've never gone from so attracted to so repulsed in such a short span before.

I guess it takes all kinds.****

*And if I am intimidated, I do my best to hide it.

**Bike messengers are the new sailors.

***Cause Quentin likes the cussin'

****I couldn't figure out how to work in "From the mouths of babes"

New Career

So I've been thinking about what I should do if I grow up. I really should start looking into one of these career thing-a-majigies... I think I might make this a regular feature. Post a job, and I'll weigh the pros and cons; feel free to chime in.

Today's career:

Police Officer
Pros:
Get to carry a gun
Don't have to think about what to wear to work
Pretty decent pay
Benefits package
Company car
Neat gadgets like walkies, handcuffs, pepper spray, baton and hopefully a taser.
No more speeding tickets

Cons:
Odd hours
Getting shot at
Not being allowed to use gun, pepper spray and/or taser willy nilly
Possibility of ending up on COPS or Most Amazing Police Chases
Silly looking hat
Apparently there's a physical component
Allegedly can't shoot suspects instead of chasing them down

Lyrics to the song I'm listening to right now

I know why I like you
it's cause of your clothing and your haircut
and 'cause you're racist.
I have a match; your face,
My asking you questions you can't answer.
You want to box me?

Our world works in a weird way
I've heard them say a man with a beard may
frighten children or dogs but a moustache scares me more.

I know why you bite me
it's cause of your instincts and your canines
and 'cause I kicked you.
I have a bone to pick;
Please go on the paper and fetch me my slippers
and stop meowing.

Man's best friend wags his tail and
bares his teeth to the man with the mail and
though he's frightened of thunder he never goes to war.

Tell me what's the circumstance of circumcision?
And what goes in my daughter's pants is whose decision?
I've seen the facts of inter-race relations,
of see-through slacks, of cyber-masturbation;
if a hundred monkeys each could get their own show,
Perhaps one day a chimp might say
"You have faith, you just need to use it sayeth the Lord"

I know why I like you
it's cause of your sandals and your supper
and 'cause you're Jesus
I have a match; your Dad, my dad has
your picture right next to your mother's
and one of Charo

They hold hands up in heaven.
And they say that their son's name is Kevin
But I read in a book somewhere that his name is Jack

I Know - BNL

Meetings

I hate 'em. Absolutely, and completely. Meetings are the life preserver of the self important and uninformed, at least most places I've worked.

Meetings rarely start on time, and even more rarely finish on time.

The only thing worse in my mind, are training sessions. The penultimate? Online training sessions, with a conference call dial in, to listen to the questions.

Blech. Sat through one today that lasted an hour when it could have been covered by a 1 page document. Even better... I figured the same thing out last week on my own, and sent around said 1 page document.

It really amazes me that companies ever get anything accomplished.

It's a little bit funny

How the clients that take the most effort to please are often those that produce the least amount of return.

No matter how often it comes on, or how badly butchered for TV it is, I have to watch A Few Good Men to the very end.

How I swore I would unpack right after my move, and here it is almost 3 weeks later... still not even close to unpacked.

That I can't even fool myself anymore.

No matter how many times I hear it, Tuktuyuktuk always makes me smile.

That I'm wondering if this is all there is to life, but am still too lazy to get up off my ass and get more.

As much as I get frustrated with my current job/coworkers, I can't fool myself into thinking it'll be any different elsewhere.

That watching a kid squeal in delight while getting onto a bus makes me wonder if I can ever be that happy or excited about anything.

That some people see me as incredibly driven.

How I feel that I'm faking my way through life.

That as self-absorbed as I might sound above, this list makes me laugh.

Expressions I Just Don't Get

- Pouring out a 40 for my dead homies -

This one I don't understand. I mean, I get the gist; a tribute to a fallen comrade. But pouring out 40 ounces of an alcoholic beverage? Where I come from, this is a quick way to join your dead homie.

Watch this commercial to get a feel for how many Maritimers feel about liquor in general. I love the whole ad series.

Maybe it's the pouring out part I don't get. If you could 'pour out' into a series of glasses to share amongst friends (or not), that'd be cool. For some reason I get the image of pouring it on the ground. And that's just not cool. In fact it's alcohol abuse. And we'll have none of that here.

I've grown to love blogs

I am, by my very nature, a solitary person. I used to be very social, the sophisticate clown, always ready with a wry remark or carefully considered put-down. The zing was my thing.

Not so much any more. I'm not sure where that Vagabond went, whether he'll come back, or even if he will. Is it age? The sapping of my will by mind numbing, soul stealing tasks, meant only to garner one more paycheque? Or is it simply growing up? And would I accept him if he came back?

With the change I've fallen away from friends and family in some ways. With Gal in my life, I've become occupied with 'couple' things, as is wont to happen. Don't think I resent that; it's merely a changing of priorities. But sometimes I do wistfully think back to a time where all my free time was spent willingly and joyfully with friends.

In the intervening years from University to now, I've fallen out of touch in a lot of ways with friends. Part of it was moving to different cities, first an hour away, now twelve. Part was an unco-operative job schedule which naturally isolated me from people with regular 9-5's. Part was me.

But in the past few weeks, I felt some of that distance shrink, thanks to blogs. I know more about how friends are feeling than I did when I wasn't 800 miles away (somehow, 1200 kilometers doesn't convey the same emotion). And for that, I'd like to say thanks! And thanks for sharing. And I miss you all. And that's too many 'And' extensions.

And to the new friends I've made exclusively through blogging, thanks to you as well. I've never made friends easily or quickly, but there are many of you I consider as such. I've learned more of the world outside of my head in the past months than I ever thought possible. I never really put much thought into the idea that you could be friends with someone you've never met... but there's lots of you I'd love to sit down for a beer with, and just shoot the shit.

Pretty deep for a Tuesday morning... I'm going to blame the hayfever meds.

Tens - Quips I managed to keep in my head and not let out of my mouth Edition

1 - I promise to be nicer if you promise to be smarter.
2 - Right. And you're the boss why?
3 - Doh. Keep forgetting competence and authority don't go hand in hand.
4 - You're smarter than you look. Then again, you'd better be.
5 - *You* are telling *me* to be clear in my communication? I'm clear, you just don't like what I have to say.
6 - Who died and made you me?
7 - Howzabout you go play a nice game of Hide-and-go-f*ck-yourself?
8 - Great. A Jerk-in-a-box.
9 - You my friend are not nearly as deep as you think you are.
10- Better you than me.

Super-Fantastic!

Step right this way folks, right this way! Today you will be astounded and amazed, amazed I tell you!

Today we're going to wander over and take a gander at the world's first Snarky-go-round™! Don't get too close Miss! You wouldn't want to accidentally be pelted with Sarcasm! It's tough to get out of fabric I hear.

If you look closely, you can see Sarcasm riding just behind Irony, Wit, and way at the back, sort of off by himself is Pun.

Coming around now we have Surly, Insulticus, his sister Disparagement, and cousins Belittlement and Put-down. Also we have Pejorative and Snidely.

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, the Snarky-go-round™ offers all sorts of fun and amusement. Offer your friends, co-workers and enemies the chance to take a ride on the Snarky-go-round™! They'll never forget your generosity!

Experiencing the Snarky-go-round™ is the gift that keeps on giving! It's one that'll show you it truly is better to give than receive!

Now, if you dumb rubes would just follow me, I'll show you our real estate division...

Moov-ed

I'm not dead, just dead tired. The move went as well as can be expected. Movers were a little slow, but all in all it was fine.

Now comes the unpacking, which I hate more than the packing and/or moving itself. Ah well, it'll be a week or two before we're settled.

And I'm fighting again with the cable company. Surprise, surprise. I should have known better than to stay with them... I guess I stick with them and they stick it to me.

Gal keeps telling me I should go work there, subvert them from the inside. I'm not sure that I could do it without losing it. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make it through the interview with a straight face.

Speaking of interviews, now that the move is complete, and once I get the interweb at home again, Job Search 2005 is going to commence. I'm hoping for something great, and baring that, something I won't hate within 2 years. We'll see.

Agent Search 2005 will also start shortly. If it goes well, and I start getting paying gigs (I wish), I may be able to call off JS 2005 altogether.

Of course, if I had a tank, I wouldn't have to worry about the cable company any more.

Amusing aside - One of my co-workers said I'm the most negative person she's ever met. I chuckled at that, thinking of her meeting University Vagabond. Now that fellow was negative.

And that's why I killed her

Startling admission no? There was no real reason to do it. Boredom made me do it. Overpowering, mind numbing, hate inducing boredom. And strawberry tarts.

You see, She seduced my baby. Stole him from under my wing. He was just developing into something really great. And then, She came along; with her long arms and succubean ways. Suddenly I didn't even recognize him anymore.

He wasn't what I wanted him to become; in his place was a pale parody of potential. He lay there, deformed, unrecognizable. Nothing... a confused, frustrating amalgam of possibility and failure.

So I killed Her.

Inspiration, I am no longer your bitch. I will no longer bow to your capricious ways, forced to fawn over every new idea you pop into my head. For once, once!, let me finish spawning and raising one baby before you plant the seed of the next.

I beg of you. Stop teasing me!