In Retrospect

Prompted by Scum, I'm trying to think back to things that happened when I was 20. My memory's pretty selective, so I've probably missed some stuff.

That was the summer of Black's Harbour if I recall correctly.
The year I developed a large hole in my lung.
The year I dropped out of university.
The year my father and I spoke without ire or rancor less than a dozen times
The year I started working at the grocery store
The last full year I lived with my parents
The year I met someone who would change my life in a most dramatic fashion
The year I wrecked the tendons in my right shoulder and learned to drive a stick left handed.
The year I spent in an emotional whirlpool and psychological sink hole.
The year I wasn't sure I would make it to 21 let alone 22 or 30.
The year I wasn't sure I wanted to make it to 21.
The year I learned that I didn't want to work in Radio
The year I first worked two 30 hour a week jobs to put myself through school.
The year I didn't sleep (well, not really... though there was a 6 month stretch where I was averaging 2 hours a night)
The year I finally learned that just because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to let them walk all over you. (of course, I learned this lesson about 5 more times too)
The year I was accused of having a heroin addiction
The year I learned that I could doze in my car for the three hours between when the bars closed and when I had to unload the trucks at the grocery store
The year my liver would like to forget
The year I punched a guy in the throat for ruffling my hair (proportional response was still foreign to me)
The year I used to roll out of bed, grab a cigarette and clean the paste out of my mouth with a swig of luke warm No-Name Cola.

And so it goes...

Apparently I turn 30 today. Oddly enough, it doesn't feel any different than yesterday.

**********

Vag@20: Fucking hell! I can't believe I have to put up with this shit!

Vag@30: What shit?

20: Oh you know... Mom and Dad, university, working at the grocery store

30: Oh that's right. You hate everything right now.

20: And why not? Everything is shit. Everything sucks!

30: Hate to break it to you, but things are going to get worse before they get better.

20: What do you mean? It can't be worse than this!

30: Keep telling yourself that.

20: What do you mean?

30: You've got lots to look forward to. Getting screwed over, dropping out of school, constant heavy drinking, bad relationships, having plates thrown at your head, 8 concussions, stress and frustration.

20: Damn. What's the point then?

30: Love. Friends. Good times.

20: I've got that now. Well the friends part anyhow.

30: Trust me pal. Enjoy every moment while you can. It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey.

60: He's on to something there.

20: Everything is just so terrible... I hate it all.

30: Of course you do. You're twenty. You don't know any better. And there's nothing wrong with that.

20: But it gets better?

30: Yes. It gets better. It gets worse. It gets everything in between. And ten years from now, you'll remember being angry all the time, but you won't remember why.

**********

So... my advice to myself for the next 10 years. Plan for the future, live for the moment. Embrace opportunity. Go get it. I've lived a lot in the last 10 years. I hope to live more in the next 10.

More Meme-age

Total Volume Of Music Files On My Computer:
Just shy of 3 GBs, most of which is Gal's. I haven't had the heart to put much on the system since I lost almost 8 GBs in the great hard drive crash of 2004.

The Last CD I bought was:
Uh... K-Os Joyful Rebellion I think.

Song Playing Right Now:
Man who Sold the World - Nirvana - Unplugged in New York (feeling a little early 90's today)


Five Songs That I Listen To A Lot (Or That Mean A Lot To Me):
Tough to bring it down to five... I go through stages where I listen to some stuff continuously. I'll go with songs that mean a lot.


Across the Universe - Beatles
Under Pressure - Queen & David Bowie
Fur Elise - Beethoven
Hold On - Sarah McLachlan
What a Good Boy - Barenaked Ladies

Weekend

(Warning, this will likely be a long rambly post, touching numerous subjects. If you don't like that, too bad)

Hoorah for it was a long weekend... not nearly long enough, but good none the less.

Made the mistake of trying to see the new Star Wars on Friday. I always forget how stupid people are. Actually, this was a case not so much of stupid, but of feeling they deserve special treatment. Get a grip folks, you're not special, no matter how much Mummy and Daddy may tell you are. And if you are special, you're exactly as special as the rest of us.

Bad movie. Blech. As much as I admire Lucas for creating an iconic world, and the incredible advances in technology, in my opinion the man cannot direct his way out of a sopping paper bag. Mercy George, no more.

Saturday was excellent. My audition finally came around for the white supremacist with the penchant for potty-mouthery. I'm of two minds about how the audition went. There was some cussing, including words that I rarely, if ever use. The audition was being run by two women, a sweet young lady, and a grandmotherly woman. Good calculated move on the director's part (I think). It made me focus more on the words themselves, and the importance of them. Excellent notes given during the audition, and they seemed pleased with what I did.

Unfortunately, I'm excited about the film and the character (who seems to have a lot of depth), and I think it would be a great and challenging role. It's making it hard to just forget about the audition, and not get butterflies every time the phone rings. I do love that feeling after a good audition though, so even if nothing comes of it, at least I've reminded myself that I enjoy auditioning for good parts (but still not beer commercials).

Best part of this production is it's shooting in July. I'm done work at the end of June; it might be nice to take July off if I get this and have a chance to do some work around the house on off shooting days, plus audition more and write.

Met with my scene partner for tomorrow, and had a great chat. We're both really excited about the scene which is a lot of fun. Plus it's always great to talk with like-minded people about acting.

I don't usually talk to 'civilians' about being an actor... I don't even usually mention it. The next question is generally 'What are you in?' or 'Would I have seen you in anything?'. Actors don't usually ask each other those questions; at least not right off.

I can't count the number of times I've responded to the second one with 'Not unless you watch obscure short films.' And then they sniff, as though you're not an actor unless they've seen you in something. Screw you Sunshine... I don't ask you whether you've worked on any computer networks I'd know? Or pumped gas into my car? I don't do this for you, or for recognition.

Anyhow, the scene partner and I had a great chat about our scene, our characters, how we like to work, what we love about acting, working in the big Smoke, and so on and so forth. It's a real pleasure to be able to talk shop with someone who's had similar experiences. And coincidence of coincidences, we share a birthday. Same year too, which was pretty cool.

It's nice to connect with other actors; and have a sort of short hand.

Sunday was pretty low-key, as was Monday as the weather's been miserable.

Bless the long weekend though... sleeping until 11 was such a treat.

So, I'm in a good frame of mind to start the work week, though that will likely change. Tonight is going to be spent combing the regular audition sites and crafting a letter for a couple of agent leads I have. Plus working on the Meme that Grimace has passed along.

Friday Before a Long Weekend

Wow... it's about my 329th favourite thing; falling just between dropping a bowling ball on my foot (done that) and getting hit by a Mack Truck going 80 (haven't done that)

Not because I'm stuck here at work.
Not because most everyone buggered off just after 2 pm
Not because clients are calling with irritating frequency
Not because my office mates have been on the phone on personal matters all day
Not because it seems like I'm the only one trying to do any work
Not because it's a gorgeous day outside (finally) and there's beer calling my name
Not because I'm now the only one left in the office

It's because of clients who keep calling and saying... "Wow, didn't expect to find anyone there. Why haven't you gone home yet?"

Why? Why? WHY!?

Because I can't get off the damn phone long enough to wrap up the eleventy million things I have to do today. Because you fuckers keep calling. Because I haven't had any lunch, my blood sugar is low, and I'm getting god-damn ferocious! I've already eaten my fifteenth packet of saltines! It's just not working!

Why am I putting so much effort into a job I'm so ambivilent about, when those who supposedly love it fucked off already?

It's called dedication folks. As much as I may think some clients are idiots, they rightly expect a little thing called service. And I don't think it's right to screw them over just because it's a sunny Friday before a long weekend.

I just reserve the right to be bitter about it.

Interesting Read

Sanctuary

I don't typically read many politically based blogs/essays, but parts of this one were very interesting. Excellent, compelling points interspersed with blind hypocrisy.

None the less, well written, and at least vaguely worth the time.

New Career Part 3

Celebrity Rich Person (or Rich Celebrity Person)

Pros
No thought required, mind can remain blank at all times
Laws are really just suggestions
Ability to pursue dreams
Can sleep until noon every day
Constant ego stroking
Can encrust jewels on... well your jewels.
Betty Ford will give you a place to stay when you need to dry out
Get to read interesting lies about yourself

Cons
Almost inevitable cocaine nose job
No need to have goals
Keep running into that vapid hotel chick
Constant ego stroking
No one will tell you attaching gems to your tallywhacker is a "Bad Idea" ™
Paparazzi
Get to read embarassing truths about yourself

The Idiot-ification of the World

Maybe I'm the asshole. Well, I am, but that's not really the issue here.

When did we decide that we would put up with people being stupid?

Our co-workers, our friends, our families, our elected officials, our clients, our customers?

There's a line that's been crossed somewhere, and I think we need to get back to it.

Let us say that in the course of my numerous positions with numerous companies, that I've become disenchanted with how things are done.

Apparently, in order to ensure adequate results, one now needs to communicate in such a way that the possibility of any thought, (mis)interpretation, or potential for even the remotest type of confusion be removed.

Let us say that a widget is currently named WidgetA. It has, in fact, been mispriced at $25 when it should be $5 less.

Is it wrong of me to think that the following message is clear?

"Please reprice WidgetA to $20. Thanks."

Should I instead, as suggested, use the following message?

**********

"Currently our widget product has the wrong price, which you may or may not have been aware of.
It is currently priced at $25.
Our widget product should be priced at $20.
Please contact me if you require clarification, or if you have any questions regarding the repricing of our widget product.
Once again, please reprice our widget product (WidgetA) from $25 to the new price ($20).

Thanks.

WidgetA now is $20"

**********

Now, I'm certain that whomever is going to rename this, can assume that if we are asking for a change, we want it changed from it's current state to the new state.

Personally (and maybe I'm sensitive) I find this degree of 'clarity' to be painful and somewhat insulting. If you think I'm such an idiot as to not be able to determine from the first message what needs to be done, then you should have me fired.

My experience has shown me that when those less talented at communication try to make things abundently clear, they tend to pollute the issue, eventually making it less clear.

When did we decide it was okay to hire idiots? If you have to coddle people by assuming they are stupid, isn't that really creating more work for yourself? Has the assumed basic level of intelligence fallen so low?

By treating people like idiots, aren't we just creating more idiots? Doesn't fostering incompetence encourage it? And if not encourage it, doesn't it discourage competence?

Don't get me wrong, I'll be the first to point out that most people are stupid. I just wouldn't hire them.

Ouch

In my never ending search for new curses, swears, put-downs and disparagements, I've heard some doozies.

This one is unlike any other.

Girl 1: Wow, he's treating her like shit.
Girl 2: I know. Why doesn't he just kick her in the box and get it over with?

Vagabond in no way endorses this course of action. In fact, Lord Vaga of Bond recommends exercising extreme restraint while placing one's foot near anyone's naughty bits. While Monsignor Bond may have in the past, perhaps accidentally and inadvertantly knocked someone over with a suspiciously well placed knee to the twig and berries, he does not condone these actions.

As satisfying as it may have been at the time. No matter how much the individual deserved it.

And despite the fact that removing said individual's potential to contribute to the gradual pollution of the gene pool was in fact a service to society in general, and the future of humanity as a whole...

Ah, screw it. I stand by my actions.

Meme

Alright, seeing as no one from the East Coast would pass this along to me (selfish bastards!) I stole it.

three names you go by:
1. Honey
2. Baby
3. You. No not you... the other one. No, beside you. The tall skinny one.
three screen names you have had:
1. Spider
2. Gdek
3. Omen
three physical things you like about yourself:
1. Height
2. Hair
3. Eyebrow
three physical things you don't like about yourself
1. Posture
2. Knees
3. Neck
three parts of your heritage
1. English
2. Irish
3. French
three things that scare you
1. Spiders
2. Failure
3. Defenestration
three of your everyday essentials
1. Gal
2. Coffee
3. Sleep
three things you're wearing now
1. Headphones
2. Jeans
3. Bits of my lunch
three of your favourite bands
1. Beatles
2. BNL
3. U2
three of your favourite songs
1. Break your Heart - BNL
2. Long and Winding Road - Beatles
3. My Way - Frank Sinatra
three things you want in a relationship
1. Trust
2. Humour
3. Space
two truths and a lie (which is a lie?)
1. I've kissed a man
2. I've been addressed as Monsignor
3. I thought I was a father
three physical features of the preferred sex that appeal to you
1. Teeth
2. The Top
3. The Bottom
three of your favourite hobbies
1. Writing
2. Acting
3. Directing (sometimes all at the same time)
three things you want to do really badly right now
1. Get paid for the 3 hobbies
2. Sleep
3. Stuff with Gal... uh, none of your business
three careers you would consider
1. See Hobbies
2. CEO of a top secret multinational anti-terrorist group
3. Pope
three places you want to go on vacation
1. Scotland
2. Australia/New Zealand
3. Casablanca
three kids names you like
1. Little Pissant
2. Snot nosed flu incubator
3. Ted
three things you want to do before you die
1. Not die
2. Live well
3. Be significant
three ways that you are stereotypically a girl (I'm changing this to guy)
1. Football Sundays
2. Toys
3. I like the boobies
three celebrity crushes
1. Jennifer Garner
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
3. Angelina Jolie (though she might be a little too crazy for me)
three people to whom i would recommend this quiz
1. Harley
2. WendyKat
3. Kateshrew

Notes on Jim

Awkward around women
Probably under-educated
Shy
Not especially worldly - naive
Very moral
Upstanding (religious?)
Respectful
Infatuated with Claudia
Desparate for a connection
Trying to avoid embarassment

I've got class!

Okay, so here's my next scene for class. I know what film it's from, but I'm trying to ignore that, as I'm not looking to parrot someone else's performance.

Next post will be my prep notes for the scene, based on what's written below, and nothing else.

CLAUDIA
Did you ever go out with someone
and just....lie....question after
question, maybe you're trying to
make yourself look cool or better
than you are or whatever, or smarter
or cooler and you just -- not really
lie, but maybe you just don't say everything --

JIM KURRING
Well, that's a natural thing, two people
go out on a date, something. They want
to impress people, the other person...or
they're scared maybe what they say will
make the other person not like them --

CLAUDIA
So you've done it --

JIM KURRING
Well I don't go out very much.

CLAUDIA
Why not?

JIM KURRING
I've never found someone really that
I think I would like to go out with.

CLAUDIA
And I bet you say that to all the girls --

JIM KURRING
No, no.

CLAUDIA
You wanna make a deal with me?

JIM KURRING
ok.

CLAUDIA
What I just said...y'know, people
afraid to say things....no guts to
say the things that they...that are real
or something...

JIM KURRING
...yeah...

CLAUDIA
To not do that. To not do that that
we've maybe done -- before --

JIM KURRING
Let's make a deal.

CLAUDIA
Ok. I'll tell you everything and
you tell me everything and maybe
we can get through all the piss
and shit and lies that kill other
people....

He laughs a bit uncomfortable...repeats her line;

JIM KURRING
Wow....huh..."...piss and shit..."

CLAUDIA
What?

JIM KURRING
You really use strong language.

CLAUDIA
I'm sorry --

JIM KURRING
-- no, no, it's fine. Fine.

CLAUDIA
I didn't mean...it's seems vulgar
or something, I know --

JIM KURRING
It's fine.

CLAUDIA
I'm sorry.

JIM KURRING
...nothing. I'm sorry...

CLAUDIA
No, I'm sorry. I'm saying I'm sorry.
I talk like a jerk sometimes --

JIM KURRING
-- well I'm a real...y'know, straight
when it comes to that...curse words
I just don't use much --

CLAUDIA
I'm sorry.

BEAT.

CLAUDIA
I'm gonna run to the bathroom for
a minute...maybe just --

JIM KURRING
ok.

CLAUDIA
ok.

Ta

Thanks for the kind words following my last post... I'm in a better frame of mind, despite the fact that the effing cat clawed his way through the screen at 5am this morning, and is still nowhere to be found.

Something better tomorrow, I promise. (Little fucker better be on the porch when Gal gets home, or I'm going to end up spending the night combing the neighbourhood for him.)

Acting

I have a line in my upcoming scene study class where I must comment and leer at the endowments of my scene partner.

I'm fine with that. The character is a sleaze after all.

It'd be helpful if I could stop blushing each time I did it. Sleaze's don't tend to blush.

Sheesh, what is up with me recently? Crisis of confidence, personal and family crises. Crises of conscience, character and cat.

I sometimes wonder if the bravado and swagger I used to (or feel I used to) portray was as much an act as anything else.

When I was a child, I thought as a man, reasoned as a man, and used a man's language. Now that I am a man, I have reverted to childish things.

I guess I'm too old to know everything any more. Time to start acting again like I do.

My oh my, but I'm becoming a sulky, whiny bitch.

I guess it stands to reason though, that I may not be how I remember myself being. Memory is a fickle thing, and mine I find especially selective. I've blocked out entire months of early adulthood; entire relationships; selective parts of other relationships.

How brittle we are, and how brittle our lives can be. Minute changes reverberate, and destroy what we accepted as unassailable.

Acting indeed. Now the fool.

Creepy

There are two stores that I've driven by in the city whose signage proclaims they sell lingerie and children's dresses. One adds kitchen ware to the mix.

I'm afraid to go into these stores - unless someone needs a ladle bra. Then I'm your man. And maybe spatula panties...

Tens - Road Rage Curses Edition

1. Cock-Knocker (not sure where this one came from, but it's very satisfying)
2. Shitstain (which I am banned from using when Gal is in the car)
3. Stupid Qu'est-ce-que Fuck (see, my French isn't totally lost)
4. Ass-monger (Gal came up with this one, and we both giggle about it)
5. Butt-munch (Geez, what am I, 12?)
6. Cornish Game Hen (Just seeing if you're paying attention)
7. Llama, Llama, Duck (I don't have an explanation for this one)
8. Asshole (I'm a traditionalist)
9. Dick-wad (Again with the 12?)
10. Fucking idiot (Which really applies most of the time anyhow)

Where to begin...

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days to be sure.

Really, I'm not sure what to blog about first. The woman I nearly killed? The one who hates me? My experience with road rage?

Let's start with the middle one first.

Single Gal seeks Oompa Loompa

There's a woman in my new acting class, whom I've met a couple of times before. I think we were also in a class together a year ago or so. She's one of these people that feel the need to comment on my weight. "Tall and skinny... wow, I hate you!" she likes to say.

This sort of comment doesn't usually bother me. It's all genetics for me, not any conscious effort on my part. Plus I've been hearing it since I was about 12, so I've built up a tolerance.

Except, there's something about this woman that just sets my teeth on edge. Not sure what it is really, but her mere presence in a room bothers me. There's no reason for it. She's never done anything to me to merit ire. Maybe it's her voice, or the way she shuffles her feet, or the way that she feels every exercise we do in class calls for hysterics. The way she sniffs dismissively when certain people in class get up to perform.

I'd very much like to tell her off. But, it's a small community, so I'm left in the uncomfortable position of biting my tongue. But the next time she tells me she hates me because I'm tall and thin, I'll let her know it's her prerogative to love short squat men.

Road Rage

Driving in this city takes a great deal more concentration than driving back east. I do prefer it for the most part, but I can certainly see how road rage happens. There's something about putting someone behind the wheel of a car that turns them into an idiot. Not that most of us have far to go.

In T.O. everyone is in a rush to get every where. I'm sure it's the same in most large cities. This often means that you'll have three or four cars turning left through a yellow light. Which means the last car will inevitably be going through a red. This slows up the cars which now have a green. This creates impatience, meaning that now 3-4 four cars will run a red/yellow in the opposite direction in order to turn left.

I guess I find it surprising that there aren't more advanced green signals in T.O. particularly at major intersections. If 3-4 cars can only turn left if they go on the yellow/red, then isn't there an issue. Now I'm not a traffic engineer, but it seems silly. Of course, I came from a city where almost every stop light was traffic actuated.

The worst is pedestrians though, which brings me to my final story...

Pedestrian vs. Car: Best 2 out of 3?

Saturday afternoon I was driving to pick up Gal from work. The roads are a little slick from the recently unleashed torrents of rain, so I'm taking my time.

I approach an intersection, looking at the opposite crossing light to determine if the light is going to turn yellow before I get there. It's still the walk sign, so I figure I'm good. I'm about to apply a little more pressure to the accelerator when I notice a well dressed woman standing on the curb, staring directly ahead of her. Be it precognition, or a finely developed sense of other's idiocy, I unconsciously switch my foot to the brake pedal.

Without looking around at all, living in her own little world, she steps off the curb and right in front of me. I tap the brakes to bleed some speed before applying them completely. I manage to stop about a foot from her. The Acura behind me gives me the gentlest of taps to my rear bumper.

The woman is standing in front of my car, gaping like a fish. I slam my car in park and pop out the door.

"Jesus Christ lady! What the hell?"

No response.

"Fuckit, the next time you step out in front of my car, I'm gonna fucking hit you. Pay attention for chrissake!"

Still no response, but she turns and walks back the way she came. The other people who were standing on the curb are looking at her like she's crazy and/or stupid. They also look a little surprised at my outburst.

Acura and I check out our respective cars; no sign of damage, so I hop back in the car and off I go.

Nothing is worse than anger born out of fear. I mean, if you're looking to off yourself by stepping in front of a car, use your head. A Saturn doing 40 klicks is not going to do the job. If you have trouble understanding the crossing lights, then wait for someone else to go first.

Jeebus, my heart hasn't raced like that in a long time.